Season 2, Episode 4 – ‘Knockoffs’
I learnt a new term this week – pegging! As explained by Ilana in this episode, pegging is when a woman wears a strap on dildo and penetrates a man. So there you go. My boyfriend is less than enthused about my newfound knowledge.
We meet Ilana’s mum, Bobbi, in this episode. Just like her daughter, Bobbi is a loud, fun, ball of energy – she also shares Ilana’s love of spouting off long political/topical rants. It’s the sort of thing you know they have probably read somewhere, or heard someone else talking about, and they just repeat it confidently to the next person they speak to.
Ilana’s grandmother has passed away, and to put aside the pain of grieving, her mum decides she wants to go and buy some knockoff bags. After dismissing the selection at the street stall, the women are taken on a seedy trip across town in the back of a van by the bag seller, then down a manhole to see the good stuff.
Abbi has her date with Jeremy. All is going well to begin with, until out comes the strap on dildo. She’s hesitant at first, but after calling Ilana for advice, she just decides to go with it and plunge right in. Pun and mental image intended. Later on, Jeremy leaves her to relax in his apartment and she decides to do a bit of tidying up for him. She puts the dildo into dishwasher, only to find that it has melted into a new shape when she takes it out. She then heads into a sex store to find a replacement, We also get an interesting bit of insight into Nicole’s life outside of ‘Deals Deals Deals’, as we see her in the store complaining about the strength of some nipple clamps that she bought there.
At the Shiva for Ilana’s grandmother, Bobbi is still not dealing with her emotions, and Abbi ends up having to tell the whole family about her interesting date with Jeremy. On their way out Bobbi realises she has put her phone in one of the many bags she bought earlier, they start to unpack them all onto the street just as a couple of policemen walk by. They are arrested, but after the police endure several minutes of Wexler ranting in the car, the women are released. The bags however, are confiscated. Bobbi is distraught, and finally releases the emotion over the loss of her mum in her own way.
Abbi and Jeremy have a fight when he sees that she has bought what he considers to be a cheap knockoff to replace his ruined toy. She tries to storm out while still wearing the strap on, but when she slams the door the lowly plastic appendage gets caught and slides around comically in the doorframe before slinking away.
Favourite bits –
‘You are finally going to vagina swallow Jeremy tonight’
Ilana and Bobbi both admiring Abbi’s butt as she walks away
‘Jay-Z and Beyoncé, they’re both in the illuminati. What about Blue Ivy?’
‘She will become all of their Grand Master Supreme’
‘All the good shit is always down a man-hole’
Abbi using her knockoff dildo as a necklace holder
Season 2, Episode 5 – ‘Hashtag FOMO’
Each episode of this show seems to just be getting crazier and funnier than the last, I’m seriously getting some really good ugly cackle ab workouts in. This time around Abbi gets a nose ring, and a shocked Ilana becomes instilled with extreme FOMO – fear of missing out.
A new cleaner, Maria, has been hired at Soulstice, so Abbi gets to show her the ropes. The talk of the gym that morning is that party that Trey is having later on. Abbi decides to go with Ilana, thinking this might be her chance to talk to him about becoming a trainer.
When they arrive there are a bunch of mountain bikes parked in the hallway, which gives a small clue as to the fun that lies ahead, which is no fun at all. The party is sterile and boring, Ilana insists they leave not too long after arriving because she doesn’t want to miss out on actual good parties happening around town. Abbi fakes a case of tapeworm and they escape, which is good news for them seeing as Trey has just whipped out his dvd of ‘The Apprentice: All Stars’. All aboard the party bus!
The next party seems to be a good time, but after a little while Ilana realises there is a problem, the hottest person is about to leave which means the party will die quickly after that. Making their exit before things get too grim, they head over to one that Lincoln is at. This also has 10/10 party potential, especially when Lincoln demonstrates his wiggly version of the worm, but someone has to go and ruin it by sitting there on the couch blowing her nose.
Finally, the girls find themselves at a rooftop party, which is exactly the kind of fun they were looking for all along. They are dancing and Abbi is starting to get quite drunk, when suddenly the police bust in to break it up. Always up for a good time those guys. Abbi, while giggling to herself and talking back to ‘quiet please’ signs on the wall, leads Ilana down an alley and into an underground bar. When they walk in, everyone turns and greets Abbi warmly. Oh pardon me not Abbi, but Val – Abbi’s blackout drunk alter ego.
Ilana is initially very confused and starts questioning the bartender about Val, and when she turns around there is Abbi/Val up on the stage singing ‘Come on Get Happy’ in a very sassy and Judy Garland-esque performance, complete with a tilted fedora and a carefree smirk.
After getting over her shock and amazement that she never knew this side of Abbi, Ilana realises she has finally found her perfect 10/10 party. ‘Val bar is NARNIAAAAA!’
When she arrives at work the next morning, Abbi discovers that Maria has been promoted to trainer already because of her schmoozing at Trey’s party. At this point, Abbiis not only hungoverbut completely crushed. If only she knew about her adoring fans in that underground club, waiting for her to slink back in with another jazzy number.
Best realisation –
Remember the crazy old lady on the train in episode 1 that yells out ‘VAL!!!!’ at Abbi? She wasn’t crazy after all, just happy to see her good friend Val.
Favourite bits –
News headline: Michael Jackson lives in a Richard Branson space condo.
The giant vomit covered exercise ball bouncing downstairs.
Abbi walking straight through a paddle pool that two guys were making out in.
‘Val about town, town about Val’
Nicole pulling a chunk of her hair out when Ilana once again gets out of work.
Season 2, Episode 6 – ‘The Matrix’
This episode gets off to an almighty start with Razor Burnz (Abbi) and Pussy M.D. (Ilana) giving us the hairy fantasy drum solos of their drumming careers. When a man that works in the music shop yanks them back into reality and tells them to leave, they both look at each other and lift their drumsticks in the air, and you know they ain’t going no place.
The internet is a fickle beast. I think we’ve all been in the situation where you intend to spend just 10 minutes or so having a look through instagram, but instead you find yourself manically scrolling through photo after photo of carefully crafted selfies and avocado slices on toast until you get to the point where you left off last time. Abbi and Ilana find themselves in a similar predicament. They start off trying to figure out what movie they should watch, but soon both get carried away on their laptops trawling through buzzfeed and looking at stupid videos. They get so into it that at one point Abbi initiates a video chat with Ilana, and they realise they actually forgot they were sitting in the same room.
After deciding that they have gotten in too deep, the girls decide to daringly leave their phones at home while they go to Ilana’s brother’s dog wedding. They take the old school quest even further by deciding to roller blade to the park, but once they arrive Ilana realises she doesn’t actually know where the wedding is. They skate around for a bit and pick up quite a bit of speed going down a hill, Ilana dives off to the side but Abbi ends up crashing through some bushes, falling into a pit and spraining her ankle. It was a terrible day to go off the grid.
Ilana skates away to find help, and Abbi wastes no time getting high and settling into the role of crazy pit lady. She gets straight down to business by sorting through a few of her fantasies featuring Elijah Wood, Mark Ruffalo and Taye Diggs. In order to locate her brother, Ilana attempts to become one with nature but ends up getting a little too personal (did the trees get any say in this?) and no closer to finding the wedding. Clearly she doesn’t need her phone to be instantly distracted. I can relate.
Lincoln provides the voice of reason at the wedding (and always) while Eliot is stressing out, plus he looks damn fine in a suit. I’m so glad we are getting more of Lincoln this season. He’s such a great character, and never goes into the boring stereotype guy realm. You know he has a lot of feelings for Ilana, but he also respects her enough to give her space as she clearly doesn’t want to be tied down at the moment. Also I just can’t get over Hannibal Buress’ laugh, it gets me going every time.
When Ilana finally locates the wedding and leads her rescue party back to Abbi, they find her playing American Idol with a fig and some sticks, and wearing Ilana’s backpack as nappy. ‘Dude I was gone for like 25 minutes. Half hour tops’
Best visual –
Abbi sprucing up the pit with various knick knacks from Ilana’s bag, and looking utterly at home
Favourite bits –
‘Man this is great, I love breezes’
Abbi trying to kick a ball over to some guys while wearing roller blades
‘Chihuahuas hearts always race, they were bred as like…a joke’
Season 2, Episode 7 – ‘Citizen Ship’
Melody, Bevers’ elusive ghost girlfriend, has put Abbi’s name on the list for her law firm’s boat party. Abbi, Ilana and Lincoln decide to take Jaimé along for a good time and to celebrate his citizenship.
We have a nice cameo by Ilana’s white power suit jacket in this one. It still has the stain on the front, which means she obviously hasn’t visited the napisan tip exchange page lately – just make a paste!
While Abbi and Ilana are waiting it out in the long drink line, Bevers comes up and says he knows where they keep all the alcohol on the boat. They follow him into a storeroom, which contains a lot of booze and they are surprised that he has finally delivered, but then the door shuts and locks them in. Ilana starts yelling rape, and Abbi tells her you are meant to yell fire in emergencies. She tries out a combination of the two when no one comes to their immediate rescue.
Jaimé gives his practice American accent a go, much to Lincoln’s delight, and it is amazing. He even puts on a special face to go with it – ‘I lurrve hamburgers, and I lurrve DUIs’. A guy approaches asking if he was in his fraternity at school, and he keeps up with the accent and complicated frat handshake, but finishes it off with a special Jaimé twist by kissing the guy on the lips. He wasn’t even mad. Lincoln and Jaimé also decide which Spice Girl they would be, Lincoln picks Posh Spice which is interesting, I had him pegged as more of a cheeky Ginger Spice type. They also play Titanic at the front of the boat, taking turns being Rose to keep things fair.
Still stuck in the storeroom, Bevers tells the girls he plans to propose to Melody on the boat. He clearly hasn’t thought it through, but when Abbi realises this means Bevers would finally be out of her apartment she encourages him to go ahead with it. Ilana is horrified to discover she may be in an actual relationship with Lincoln and can’t deal with the prospect of being a boring monogamous person. She realises she needs to have sex with Lincoln immediately or else things between them are way too serious and romantic, but it seems like all the good spots are taken by people already having sex.
Bevers backs out of proposing to Melody, and announces that Abbi is transitioning into a man instead, because that’s clearly your only way out of an uncomfortable situation. Being the awkward pro that she is, Abbi takes it like a champ and just rolls with it giving a speech and all, while Bevers slinks away.
As the episode closes, Jaimé has his citizenship ceremony; he wore his terrifying American flag contact lenses for the occasion. Coupled with his pinstriped outfit, he looked like a cross between a Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppinsand Michael Jackson in Thriller – which is a very strange but wonderful combo. Status report on Melody is that she remains elusive.
Welcome back Bevers–
‘I like to call it jazz because it comes out of my horn, and you never know where it’s going to go’
Favourite bits –
‘I’m a sexual X-Man, I’m Wolverine. I’m Vulvarine!’
Bevers – ‘Melody and I have been looking for you guys everywhere! She just went to the can, she had to take a doody’
Abbi – ‘I’m sure she’ll be so happy you told us’
Abbi bringing zip lock bags for everyone to save free food in.